Dreams

During Aquarius season have been intense and vivid. I was biking around an affluent neighborhood in California. I was running on a sidewalk with teenagers (I was a teenager, too), and watching a boy gain on us from behind. It was terrifying, but he ran past us and was clearly after another boy who was just ahead of us. There was terror in the eyes of the boy being chased. I didn’t know what to do. Nobody had weapons, but I didn’t feel capable of breaking up this fight between two young men who were bigger than me.

The baby has been crying and babbling on and off since just after 4. It gets earlier and earlier. I’m exhausted just from typing about the baby every day. She keeps falling asleep again but now, at just last 5, I think she may be up.

I haven’t been on Instagram for almost a week now. I almost can’t imagine going back, really, but I’m sure I will. I hope it will look different, the way I interact with it I mean. I think a lot about how I’ve had two kids before 30 and most of my friends aren’t even thinking about children. I think, to them, my posts and writing must seem foreign and boring and annoying. But then I’m immersed in another land of blogs or accounts of women with children and I feel like compared to them I’m an outcast too. It doesn’t really matter where I fit into all of this, it’s more that I’m trying to figure out where I fit it or where I want to fit in.

It’s been surprising to me (although understandable) that since I’ve been taking this break from Instagram I rarely hear from friends. I understand Instagram is a catch all and where people check in and interact, but I need a break. It’s so strange to feel isolated further just because of not using an app. We all have phones and ability to text or call immediately, but you can just dip out of this app and people forget you ever existed on that space. I know this is coming off as narcissistic or whiny…that’s not my intent but that doesn’t really matter either. These are just musings of a mother about to start another long, long day.